The Worst Thursday
by P3rrigo
Summary: Minutes before Earth is destroyed, Brian Stewwart must deliver a package and a letter to Arthur Philip Dent. Last Chapter up.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, nor am I worthy of owning it.

**The Worst Thursday**

Prologue

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm end of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. This story takes place here, or at least for the beginning, since a rather sad thing happens to this rather insignificant planet near the very beginning. Since I have no care for suspense, I will gladly tell you it is destroyed by a Vogon constructor fleet and only a very few survive with no home at all.

Chapter 1

"Nice day today," Said the man of whom this story is not about.

"Well, never trust Thursdays, that's what I always tell myself. Last Thursday my grandpa Mel died, the one before I learned I pierced my, apparently, _wrong_ ear."said the mailman of great importance in this story, Brian Stewwart.

"Tough, eh?" said the man at the door, who once again I will remind you of how little importance he was.

Brian is a very normal man with two legs and blond-red hair. He is a mailman, who always told himself he really wanted adventure, fun, and really wild things, but deep down he knew he never meant it. He has a rather boring life; he doesn't even own a digital watch. He has only been invited to two parties before: his grandpas' party, which sucked like hell, and a fancy dress party at the Islington Flat, where he saw his beautiful girl which left the party with a very oddly clothed man. Brian certainly did not know the oddly clothed man was the president of the Galaxy, and if he heard so, he would not believe it.

Brian noticed a bulldozer and a group of men in front of his destination- Arthur Dents' house. He could, however, not see Arthur Dent laying down flat in front of the bulldozer, since it was an S.E.P.(Somebody Else's Problem)

Brian had this slight problem since his grandpa died two weeks before. He had developed a rather large case of bulldozer-a-phobia,(if there was such a thing.), since his grandpa did die by getting ran over by a bulldozer-looking-SUV.

So, he sat down and waited for 5 minutes while sulking about his grandfathers' death and how he has never scored with any chick in his life of 26 years, then got tired of dreaming of events that would never take place and took a 5-minute nap. While he was sleeping the construction team was demolishing Arthur Dent's place.

Brian awoke from screams of terrified people and huge gusts of wind.

"Ah, towel!" yelled a man rummaging through the ruins Arthur's house

"_...through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you._" said a deep voice that seemed to be coming from nowhere, anywhere, and everywhere all at once.

He was so startled by this he barely noticed two men hitching a ride on a Vogon ship.

After a second or two he realized no one would yell, 'Ah, towel!' while the Earth was being demolished without it having some importance. He scurried to the remains and grabbed a towel, which was just grey and had no drop of happiness-looking, heart-warming, mood-enlightening joy to help the occasion.

The next thing he knew he was standing in a toilet inside The Heart of Gold, one of the best Spaceships in the History of Zaphod Beeblebrox's life. "Well, this sucks..." he said, and let a tear escape the sadness of his eye.

Earth, was no longer mostly harmless, it was demolished. Everyone, even the man of no importance in this story, was dead.

"Good riddance."


	2. Chapter 2

I still do not own The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. This is my first fic so don't yell at me, please. This chapter should be fairly short. Next might be longer.

The Worst Thursday

Chapter 2

The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace.

It was discovered by a lucky chance, and then developed into a governable form of propulsion by the Galactic Government's research team on Damogran. Basically, the Infinite Improbability Drive(the double-I-D) fuels on pure Improbability. It passes every point in the universe faster than you can comprehend, and arives somewhere completely new, it might even change your gender on the way. Basically, anything can happen.

If you are wondering why the "hero" of the story is standing in a toilet in a spaceship, well, it is because of The Heart Of Gold's "double-I-D". Brian has no idea where he is, besides in a toilet.

He is an accidental hitchhiker.

If you have read the book of which this crappy fanfic is of, you know when Arthur and Ford arrive on The Heart of Gold, a happy computer gladly tells Zaphod and Trillian that they have arrived. If you are smart enough to wonder why it does not talk about Brian arriving, well, the computer finds it rude and unpleasant to announce people standing in toilets.

Oh, and in case if you are wondering, Brian prefers boxors over briefs.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy yet, although I am making progress.

My cousins and a reviewer have pointed out I made a mistake in the first chapter when I said "his grandfather did die by getting ran over by a bulldozer-looking-SUV" and said in Britain they do not call them SUVs. To those people-Maybe they were in the US when his grandfather died. I know they did not have Halo 2 when the book was created, but let's just say this takes place right nowadays. Anyway, here is chapter 3.

**The Worst Thursday**

Chapter 3

"Where the _hell_ am I?" said Brian out loud as if some random person was next to him and could hear him and actually gave a damn about his opinions.

The toilet was gold. It might have been the real "Heart of gold", since it was near the middle of the ship.

He got out of the toilet and looked around. The room was decorated with green fluffy blankets and whimsical little things to look at while using the toilet. Next to the toilet was a crystal sink.

He was drawn to a little fluffy orange pillow on the floor, and slowly walked towards it. He reached out his hand, as if to simply touch it…it seemed to be 127,865,234,865.82 miles away. The pillow started to shake, more and more the closer his hand came. He finally touched it.

It was soft.

It also has nothing to do with anything or everything or something or any other thing that ends with a "thing" thing.

There was no door in this room. No hallway. No opening. No digital watches. No video games. No Pamela Anderson. No party. No _food._ No drugs. No kitty cat. No beer. No large gold boxes marked with "?" on them. No water. No Halo 2. No nudie mags. No nothing.

He heard a happy voice announce the arrival of two hitchhiker's, but he did not care.

And so Brian remained in the dark room for 3 days. He was so thirsty he drank up all the toilet water, which was surprisingly not even a gallon. He spent these days thinking if this room was heaven, or if it was hell. He guessed it was heaven since when he flushed the toilet he could see not just his poo swirling out of control, but he could also see the vastness of space.

He opened the cabinet-thing under the sink.

"How could I be so damn stupid!" he said to himself and the toilet which was always there to comfort him for the last 3 and a half days.

Under the sink, was his small chance of living. His small chance of continuing to fight life's many kicks in the ass.

Under the sink, was an escape pod.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello, I do not own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy although I am pretty darn close. I also do not own H2G2, an online guide to Life, the Universe, and Everything. My last chapter sucked, but I was real sleepy while making it. You know what, I'm not even gonna lie, my last one sucked because I was lazy, not tired. I think I suck at making FanFiction, so please review and tell me how to improve NICELY. Here's the next chapter-Enjoy, I guess.

The Worst Thursday

Chapter 4

Space, is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space.

The most relaxing sound in the world to some is the whooshing sound you get in an escape pod, much like the sound deadlines make as they pass you by.

Both deadlines and escape pods are very hard to control. They both can make the most outstanding changes. "The trick is to plan ahead", some might tell you, which is funny, because they probably do not plan ahead.

Brian had no idea how to control an escape pod.

There is no way.

The Escape Pod Lovers United Creators (T.E.P.L.U.P.) always like to think people like danger enough not to put controls in an escape pod. There are 2 problems with this theory-

1. People would be experiencing danger either way.

2. People don't, no matter what they say, truly enjoy danger.

Brian had no idea were this thing was headed, and decided it was best to curl up in a ball and wait for it to all end.

Fear Of Danger at best is a good ally. Without that fear, Brian would have seen the wormhole he was passing through and would have gone horribly blind.

The Earth edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,(H2G2), has this to say on Time and Space Wormholes, "A Hitchhiker should always be awarethat a Time/Space Wormholes can appear when you are on your travels, they are tunnels of time & space so if you are caught in one you could be transported anywhere at anytime." It also says that H2G2 is the best site in the world but who cares.

The wormhole took many turns and shook voilently until at last it stopped.

The End of the Universe was soon to come.


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, and have recently lost all hope of ever owning it. I do not own H2G2. This is a fan fiction,(hence the word, "fan").

**The Worst Thursday**

Chapter 5

Deep in the hitchhiker's guide's old articles is one that states something about time travel.

The hitchhiker's guide has this to say on Why Time Travel IS Possible:

'Now, the subject of time travel has always interested many people, but up until a few days ago, I didn't believe it was remotely possible. I always saw time travel to the past as something that could never happen mainly because the fact that anything anyone could have changed would have already happened. Think of it this way, say you wanted to go back in time and kill Hitler's mother before she gave birth to him. There is no way you could do this because, following the time flow, you would have already killed her and World War II wouldn't have happened. So there'd be no reason to go back. I believed this and argued vehemently with anyone who argued with me. Then I read a book called "Time Travel in Einstein's Universe" by J. Richard Gott. Reading this book makes you feel like a first grader who is suddenly stuck in college. Yet Gott finds a way to make the book seem easy to understand. It was like he jumped into my head and said, "Hey! What about this?" In this book he spoke about a theroy called the Self-consistent Time Travel Theroy. According to this theroy, a time traveller couldn't change the past for anyone but himself. You may be saying, "Well now I can change that time when I was at the prom and a few jocks pantsed me in front of the entire student body." Nope. Sorry. Can't do that either. How could you change that without effecting the life of someone else? What if the jocks pantsed another person and their existence was utterly ruined? You could not change the past. Quickly I'd like to present a fun paradox called the Jinn Theroy. The name is derived from the term jinni which has now become genie. An example of this paradox is: Say you had a normal high school science book which outlines Newton's Laws of Gravity. You take this book and travel back in time and show Newton the book and his theories BEFORE he thinks of them. He writes down the theories from the book and they become what we know now. Where did they come from in the first place? How were they written in the science book if that's how he first thought of them? Hurts your brain after a while doesn't it? Now what about time travel to the future. Almost everyone knows about the Twins example but I'll talk about it anyway. Lets say there are two twins, Willy and Billy. Billy is an astronaut and he travels to Alpha Centauri at 80 percent the speed of light. it would take 5 light-years to arrive and another 5 to get back. On earth, Willy will age 10 years. Billy, however, only ages 6 years. This happens because on earth Willy's heart beats, say once a second. In space, travelling at 80 percent of light-speed, Billy's heart will beat slower. So when he returns Billy has actually travelled 4 years into the future. "Wait," you may be saying, "I don't want to go into space." Easy. Well, not really, but in theroy it's easy. You would have to deconstruct Jupiter and use it to make a superdense ball that you could sit inside. Outside of the ball, space-time will bend and you'll age much slower than people outside. Fun, huh? Unless you went too far and got out after the sun had gone supernova and all life on earth had been destroyed by huge fireballs. But fun.'

There may have been to much personal information in that article but there are some important things to notice-

The researcher was not good when it came to spelling "theory".

If you substitute Jupiter with an escape pod you may still get the same result.

He does not mention anything on wormholes, which could help right now.

Wormholes can also allow time travel, just on a more dangerous level. But calculating danger and chances of time travel and probability factors, well there's a damn good chance if something goes wrong in a wormhole, you might simply go back a minute in time without knowing so and go back before you got hurt and therefore confuse you. Another affect of wormhole time travel is the possibility of clones. You might go "negatively" back through time and meet yourself there. Sometimes your stuck in a loop of never-ending time travel. Sometimes you're stuck in a loop of never-ending time travel with increasing clones. This can cause insanity. This can also cause you to die once there are to may clones and you get pressed against a wall and suffocate, which leads to immortality, since once you die you go back in the time loop until your alive again, and then die. Sometimes people go so insane they make entries in guide books so other people can know. Sometimes they get so insane their brain explodes, then goes back in time AGAIN and lives. Not only can time travel create insanity, it can create mutation.

Brian was lucky enough to survive all of this, and his reward is he gets to witness to Universe's Ending.


	6. Chapter 6

Whoa! 2 PEOPLE actually like my crappy fanfic! Wow, now I really have a reason to continue making it! ): P Anyway, get used to this fic being there because there is going to be 14-16 chapters. At least I hope. I shall not dare own thy Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy! I also do not own G4 or any of its shows. I do not own SeaWorld.

**The Worst Thursday**

Chapter 6

5 earth-days before Brian Stewwart had an unpleasant encounter with Time, the Earth was still whole, there was 2 TV show hosts names Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb. That's right, it's ADAM SESSLER aaaand… MOOORGAN WEBB! Adam Sessler was a ultimately pathetic little man with thinning hair and Morgan Webb was very tall and also pathetic.

While Morgan Webb was busy sleeping, Adam Sessler was at SeaWorld riding a dolphin. He enjoyed the dolphins flips and twirls.

He heard a voice inside of his head, _Shit, I'm late!_, it said, and suddenly the dolphin he was riding went hurling into the sky at the speed of a jet but 5 times faster with a boost that felt like butter on a lolipop. Adam was so confused. Morgan died. The Earth was gone.

Brian Stewwart was faster than a speeding bullet inside of his escape pod.

People at the restaurant cheered as they saw the flaming pod fly at the ground.

The Universe was soon to End and people thought this was the coming of a god or prodigy or something since it did have an odd entrance.

"GAHWAHGAAHAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed a 24-headed Juargian at a table who saw this flaming object come closer and closer to him.

The escape pod crashed in the way that you only see in movies, except real.

"Tis the coming of god's messenger!" said some religious fool who was shot 3 seconds later for his beliefs.

_Tssssssssssssssssssssssss... _ the door of the escape pod made as it slowly opened.

There was a ton of smoke, like the way you see in movies, except real.

A man slowly walked out.

Brian stood up, and then fainted like the way you see in movies, except real.

"Quick! Get him our finest room available!" said a soap opera actor.


	7. Chapter 7

I do not own the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy or H2G2 and I am running out of this to say. I do not own this site. I have actually considered to stop making this until I saw the review saying someone added me to their favorite authors list. This has given me the slightest, ONLY the _slightest_ reason to continue this crappy ass fanfic, so if you actually **do** like it, please review, or if you hate it then you can critique it in ways you're your grandmother has only experienced in her WORST nightmares. But seriously, PLEASE REVIEW.

**The Worst Thursday**

Chapter 7

'The Worst Thursday,' says the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, ' is one of the crappiest fan fictions ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of FanFiction(.)net. There are many reasons why this story is not good, one being that it was in no comparison to Douglas Adam's 5-book trilogy. Another of which, was it has no real story or plot until chapter 7, which is this:

Brian Stewwart has a mailbag, in this mailbag is a package and a letter for a man named Arthur Dent. The Earth is blown up, but just before Brian sees Arthur leave the planet. Brian accidentally hitchhikes on The Heart of Gold's hidden room with a toilet and sink seconds before the Earth was destroyed. He leaves the ship in an escape pod which swirls into a Time Wormhole, which leads him into the future just days before the Universe's Ending. He crash-lands on the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, where people mistake him for God's messenger and gladly give him some shelter.

Brian has kept his handy mailbag with the mysterious package and letter, which may or may not finally make it's way into the hands of Arthur Dent by the end of this story. He must travel across the Universe and all of it's wonders to find Arthur, only armed with his uniform he was told to wear for his job back on Earth, and his towel which he got seconds just before the Earth's destruction, and he has no idea how this towel may ever come in handy until Chapter 9.

The author of The Worst Thursday has no skills in Literature, fails most classes, and knows his fanfic to be one of the worst in the Universe. 'Just looking at him can be depressing.' Says one of his classmates, who thought this was funny. He was a bundle of stupidity, depression, mutilation, weakness, and claustrophobic-ness. You don't need to worry about encountering him, he was luckily killed when the Earth was.


	8. Chapter 8 The Last Chapter

I don't own the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, and I probably won't ever say that again since I have decided to end this fic. This Fan fiction justs sucks so horribly. I think I should stop writing fanfiction. I know I said I would at least make it to chapter 14, but I lied. Sorry, if you actually really enjoyed this fanfic.

**The Worst Thursday**

Chapter 8- The Final chapter

Brian Stewwart had woken up from his slumber.

Then a religious nut shot him.

He died.

The End.

Fin.

End.

It is Over.


End file.
